Cuckoo Cuckoo

I’m supposed to be graduating in may and I have no idea what I’m going to do. That’s normal, I just feel like I’ve failed so much already and closed a lot of doors I need open. I have no money, my grades suck, and jobless. Sometimes I think about the decisions I’ve made and I get so uncomfortable. I’m sure that’s just a problem with acceptance or something. I look at some people from high school and they all seem to be doing big things. I don’t really do anything. I wish I was motivated to do something, I wish I wanted to learn more and be a scientist and stuff. Unfortunately, watching tv and eating junk food while cuddling with my boyfriend makes me happy. I want to play with kittens and puppies and feed cows, i don’t want to be a doctor or some scientist. I want to change the world…but not really. I’m just blabbering on.

You know what’s weird? Hearing about how people become famous from their blogs. Occasionally I come across these weird facebook pages and it’s like some weird underground culture (underground cause I don’t see how it could be well known) and these people are well known from blogs. I’m so…confused. Like…what do you do? Smoke cigarettes all day and dress like you want people to know you thrift shop? I’m judgmental sometimes. I don’t know, I guess I’m just confused because I’ve been watching their videos for over an hour now and wonder what’s so interesting about this? Take me away from the computer.

I have less than twelve hours before I spend the next couple of months living as an inmate. It’s hard to fully grasp the idea that it’s less than 12 hours away. Over the years I’ve grown used to ignoring the future. It’s kind of like going to sleep on a long drive. You go to sleep at a starting destination and when you wake up you’re already at your destination 300 miles away. This is a little like that in that…tomorrow kind of snuck up on me even though I knew perfectly well it was coming. Its not as pleasant of a surprise though. I want to get these emotions under control, they know better not to behave that way. I don’t want anyone to see the mess I feel inside, no one knows what to do after such a sight. It’s so hard to keep this mask on though. To fight the tears and put on a happy face long enough to sit through the last episode of gilmore girls that I will get to watch with my mom for the next couple of months. I don’t want them to see because I know it will hurt them. When I got in this trouble, I thought only about how much my future would change because of this. Now I see that it’s much deeper than that. I inflicted so much unnecessary pain to those that I loved. I wish I could be two again and run crying into my moms open arms so she could take the pain away.

I feel like I’ve done too much damage though. Her arms are still open but I can’t run crying into them…it hurts too much to know the pain wont go away. Tonight she kept trying to look me in the eye, I had been crying so I really didn’t want to. Of course she knew something was up and she tried to give me a hug while saying everything was going to be okay. It was just an automatic response to shrug her off and I instantly regretted it but I didn’t know what to do. I knew if she gave me that hug, I’d be two years old again crying my eyes out and snot running out of my nose and I’d never want to let go.

C’est la vie…I guess. No…I don’t using I’m that expression correctly. Whatever. I just can’t help but think life will always be like this. That the day my mom dies it will be a day I always knew would come, but will still be an unexpected and unwanted surprise. Times running out. I say I have less than twelve hours…but in the bigger picture I actually have less than that. I don’t want to one day not have anymore time left and never really enjoy life or not have time to make those that i love happy. I’m going to give my mom a hug.

I don’t know.

I never do.

Sometimes I sit alone and think about how I’ve done it again, I’ve isolated myself. I can’t believe some of the things I’ve done. Karma happens sometimes. Twelve days left before I go back to concrete walls and smelly rough blankets. I’m going to miss my bed. My friend wrote a letter the other day, wondering what would have become of us if Kyle hadn’t died. Would we still be where we are today? Or could things have been better. Who knows how much fun we could have had if we didn’t spend so much time being depressed. All the things I’ve done this year have amounted to nothing more than a story. People came and went, not much has really changed besides the date. What can I say that won’t push people away? Crazy is the wrong word to describe it though its the first one that comes to mind. I just wish I knew how to socialize normally. Perhaps being alone is what works for me.I keep destroying everything I like.

Maybe It’s not all about me. Maybe things fall to shit on their own. I think it’s time to call it quits. Throw the towel in. Dejarlo. Some things probably just aren’t  meant to work out.

It’s almost 1:30 am. I need to stop waking up in middle of the night. I have a test in the morning that I’m probably not ready for but oh well. The school semester is almost over and not much is going very well. But I’ve got my freedom and that really is something. I’m glad I’m not in jail even though sometimes it seems like it would be easier. It definitely is easier. I don’t know why I got myself into so much trouble. I have a hard time handling it a lot. There isn’t much to talk about. I just really feel like typing and I don’t know what to type about. Thoughts are just flowing. I love computers though I think my typing is a bit too loud and my be waking up my boyfriend. Love. Love is a weird thing. I don’t have it at the moment. I think a lot of people like me though. When I think about it people have traveled. Traveled is weird to spell. I always spell it with two l’s instead of one. I wonder if he will wake up. I don’t know why I’m so worried, he’s already awake. I’m listening to a bunch of music i used to listen to when I was younger. Remember Nick? I sure as hell don’t. Who was he when we were together? I can’t even fathom the idea of us being in a relationship anymore. We’re so different. It’s strange how much people can grow apart. Though I guess it makes sense considering we were never close to begin with. I don’t know what I would write about if I was to become a writer. Just fill pages upon pages with rumbling rambles. Does alliteration require three? Rampaging rumbling rambles. I don’t know if that’s right. I almost said write. That really wouldn’t  have been write. Right. What the fuck am I talking about now. I think he’s fallen asleep to the sound of my typing. He better have, I’ve been trying to sound busy for the past 5 minutes. Why would he be asleep after only 5 minutes? He wouldn’t be. You’re craazzzzzy.

What to do now. I could stay up and browse the web while getting high legally for a limited amount of time or I can get back in bed and hope my boyfriend will fuck me. Even if he does, I’m not in the mood for the clean up. But you’ve been waiting all day! I know. Damn, you win some you lose some, that’s what I never say. At least I only have uno classo tomorrow.

He’s not asleep.

How do I explain what I feel inside?

It feels like a mess. One gigantic mess that you know you have to clean up. It’s stressful, it’s uncomfortable, it’s overwhelming. Where do I start?

I just stand back and gaze at this pile of shit towering over my head, waiting for it to collapse and swallow me whole.

I just want to get as far away as possible, but I’m trapped.

I’m trapped in all this chaos I’ve created for myself.

I’m listening to A Dream by Cut Copy and I just got an urge to write. I’m not sure what to write about though. I’m feeling a bit…I don’t know…I have no idea how to really explain. I was just looking through an old friend’s pictures from middle school. We were all so young. I remember when those pictures were taken, I remember how it felt. Then I realize that is in the past and all that remains are these pictures. It’s a bit sad to see my time’s running out, even if it may be a ways off. I think about my life now and I get a bit upset that I don’t do enough. I spend most of my time alone at my apartment by choice. I could certainly go out and find something to do yet I just sit here. I keep thinking about sunsets, concrete sidewalks, warm air, city noise, and a cold drink. Maybe another person. I feel like they’re all part of some sort of distant memory that I’m just waiting to get back. There’s nothing special about any of those things really but I still get that melancholic feeling that I won’t ever get it back even though it’s just right there. I don’t know, everything is just slowly passing by and I know I should be doing something to show for it. I just don’t feel like it.

I hate when I lay funny in my sleep and wake up with an extremely sore neck. Ugh.

I don’t know what to say. I’m rushing through this process, I almost wish I had more time…but I’m kind of glad I don’t. I overlapped my plans on purpose accidentally. Now…Now I don’t know what to do. So here I go.